Clowns And Unicorns

Okami Review

2011-03-15T02:28:00.004Z

Hey guise, it's been a while! For those of you who don't know me, I am Pianoman. I wrote a game review once and Setto asked me if I wanted to post it to his blog, so I said yes. Well unfortunately, school has been stressful and I kind of forgot about making reviews for a pretty long time. Well, today, I'm back with a brand new review! This time, I'll be reviewing Okami, a game for both the PS2 and Wii. And awaaay we go!

Okami: PS2/Wii
Video gaming is an underappreciated art, even from the view of a great deal of serious gamers. While games can be fun and entertaining, video games are rarely seen as a form of art. The work that goes into making a video game is incredible. Even the bad games take a good amount of time and effort to create, especially when the game has custom music, sound effects, artwork, etc. Okami is one of the few games that actually demonstrate the art of video games, which makes it safe to say that it is one of the most unique and beautiful games ever created.

Okami is based almost entirely off of different stories from Japanese mythology, making its story more like a Japanese story book than anything else, but an amazing one at that. You play as Okami Amaterasu, an incarnation of the wolf god Shiranui. 100 years before Amaterasu’s awakening, Shiranui had defeated the evil 8 headed dragon Orochi with the help of a great warrior, Nagi, thus saving the land of Nippon. Shortly after Orochi’s death, Shiranui died, and a statue was made in honor of his/her heroism (it should be said at this point that Shiranui/Amaterasu are genderless). However, 100 years later, Orochi was awakened, and once again cursed the land of Nippon. Amaterasu was awakened, and so started the journey to defeat Orochi. Along the way, you meet Issun, a wandering artist, who befriends Amaterasu (he calls her/him Ammy for short) and helps out along the journey, acting as a sort of “Navi” from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (a much less annoying one at that).

Story and characters: The story feels much like a story from Japanese mythology, which makes sense considering it’s made up of many, many different stories. Virtually every major character has some kind of story from Japanese mythology, which makes the characters especially interesting. However, while the game does feel like it’s straight from a storybook, it still contains many of its own story elements, which always keeps the story feeling fresh and interesting. The writing is outstanding, with humorous dialogue and plenty of emotional elements that are sure to make you, at the very least, choke up, and heartwarming moments that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The characters are incredibly interesting, keeping with the freshness. All of the characters’ dialogue is interesting, humorous, sad, confused, and just plain full of emotion. This gives a lot of depth to the characters and keeps things interesting and entertaining throughout the game. Issun often makes remarks to the more attractive female characters, calling them “babe”, “sweetie”, etc., Waka (a prophet) often talks down to Issun (who refers to Waka as “The Half Baked Prophet”) in a humorous manner, and Susano (the descendant of the great warrior Nagi) is one of the most charmingly funny and interesting character in any video game ever made. Like I said before, these traits give the characters a lot of depth and emotion.

Gameplay: The gameplay has very few flaws. The controls are tight and simple enough to use efficiently without much trouble. The whole game is based around something called the “Celestial Brush”. With this, you can draw patterns in order to use different godly powers. A few of these include drawing a circle in the sky to make the sun appear, scribbling over a broken bridge to fix it, or drawing a line through an object to slice it in half. These are only a few of the techniques that you learn throughout the game, as there are 13 official brush techniques (one per sign of the Chinese zodiac, including the cat) in all. These brush techniques are often recognized very well by the game, but there are some problems with the game’s recognition of these techniques. Circles will often be mistaken for the “wind” brush technique, lines are used for a number of techniques, and are therefore mistaken for each other, etc. However, this is usually not the case, and it doesn’t affect the gameplay much at all. Other problems include the camera being a bit troublesome at times, and attacks not always working (Wii version). However, like I said before, these are uncommon and usually work very well.

Music and graphics: Two of the things that can’t go unmentioned in this game are the music and artwork, which are really what made me want to buy this game. The artwork is done in a traditional Japanese painting style, with vibrant colors and detailed level and character designs. So detailed in fact, you’re bound to notice that Amaterasu actually has a butthole! Now that’s what I call detail. It should be said that the game looks absolutely beautiful, and is in my opinion the best looking game ever made, not because it’s realistic, but because it really does make you feel like you’re inside a beautiful Japanese painting. This game will make you want to defeat the evil that inhabits the land just so that you can experience new, beautiful worlds. Also, framerate issues are virtually nonexistent here. I’ve only had two moments of lag, and they were both in graphically complicated areas.

The music is also done in a traditional Japanese fashion, further immersing the player in the traditional Japanese mythology style of the game. The music is vast and full of different emotions. Issun has a fun and jumpy song, the song when you defeat Orochi makes you feel like you’ve achieved something great, etc. There’s happy music, sad music, epic music, evil sounding music, even creepy music. It’s worth it to stop for a few seconds every once in a while just to listen to the music, or even pay for the soundtrack.

Closing comments: Okami is a rare gem of a game. It demonstrates the art of video games and immerses you in the style of the game. It’s a game that will put you through a whole list of emotions, but never takes itself too seriously. The story and characters are fresh and unique, the gameplay is nearly flawless, and the music and artwork are both incredibly beautiful. One last thing you should know about this game however is how hard it is to find. I looked for 6 months trying to find this game, and only just found a used copy at a Gamestop. It’s worth looking for though, and I got it for a little under 20 USD. The game is reasonably long too. I haven’t quite finished the game yet (I have 1 more brush technique to find), and I’ve played the game for about 25 hours. I’ve heard of it taking 40 hours to beat before, so this is a game that will take a while to beat, and is worth playing through more than once. Finally, one thing that people might be wondering is, “Wii or PS2 version?” Unfortunately, I only have the Wii version, but from what I’ve seen, I think it’s better. The graphics are a bit different on the PS2 version, and in my opinion aren’t as nice, and the celestial brush is faster and easier to use in the Wii version due to motion controls. Either way, this is an incredible game and is worth buying. The only problems I’ve found are with the gameplay, and these problems are rare. I give it a 9.5/10.

NOTICE: This review is property of Pianoman and Setto. If this review is used without permission, Justin Bieber will come to your house and follow you around singing “Baby” for 3 years straight (maybe he'll his puberty during that time?... Nah), while Christina Aguilera sings all of your favorite songs with the wrong lyrics. You have been warned.

How to Make Advance Text Work

2010-01-13T05:42:00.001Z

How to make an animated GIF in Photoshop CS4

2010-01-13T05:39:00.000Z

ASCii and Symbol Emoticons.

2010-01-13T05:25:00.002Z

A few of my favorite I found around the interwebz.

⊙︿⊙ .. ⊙ω⊙ .. ⊙﹏⊙
ಠ_ಠ ಥ_ಥ ب_ب

╔═══╗ ♪
║███║ ♫
║ (●) ♫
╚═══╝♪♪

✿◕ ‿ ◕✿ _ ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀ _❁◕ ‿ ◕❁ _✾◕ ‿ ◕✾

┣▇▇▇═─

>^,,^<

（＾_＾）

∩( ・ω・)∩

（　ﾟ Дﾟ）

（￣□￣；）

(>'.'<)

Forums + Chat

2010-01-13T04:15:00.001Z

http://www.vgfuture.com/index.php

Is the link to my friend's forum.

Generally about art, games, technology, stuff like that.

Take a look if you're bored.

Thanks!

How To Use God Mode In Borderlands (PC)

2009-12-01T11:03:00.002Z

I uploaded a simple video to youtube explaining it:

Red Alert 3 Trainer

2009-11-15T19:04:00.003Z

Red_Alert_3_V1.0_Plus_7_Trainer_Eng_By_KelSat
Available here: http://www.cheatsguru.com/pc/command_conquer_red_alert_3/files/1648176.htm

Works fine and dandy for me, remember that if you're not running a cracked version of the game then you will probably (if not certainly) be running an updated/patched version of Red Alert and this trainer will not work, you will need one for the version you have.

1. Unrar.
2. Run the trainer.
3. Play the game.
4. Use the hotkeys

Unlimited Money
Unlimited Power Supply
Instant Build (Units and Buildings)
Special Abilities in Sidebar Quick Recharge

And a couple more things, yeah it's +7 which some people might say isn't much for a trainer these days, but I think it has everything you need to pwn a game of Red Alert.

Why Are Ice Cubes At Home Not Clear?

2009-11-15T18:43:00.003Z

Ice cubes in restaurants are usually clear. Icicles outside in the winter are clear.

So why when you make Ice Cubes in your freezer at home in those little trays out of water from the tap, are they sort of frosty and white, not clear?

I wanted to know this today, so I interwebzed it and found out;

Icicles are made from pure water in the form of melted snow.
Icicles are created in layers. Water drips down the icicle and freezes in progressive layers rather than freezing all at once. This approach avoids entrapped bubbles.
If you ever look inside a restaurant ice maker, you will find that it makes ice in layers. Cold water runs continuously over a plate or a grid where the ice is forming, and the ice cubes (or ice disks in some machines) grow in layers.

The economy must be really bad, huh?

2009-10-26T22:30:00.004Z

So I was searching around my room today and found something quite entertaining.

40 FREAKING DOLLARS FOR THE THING?! That's one cheap chick!

But actually, this was found on my halloween costume for this year. Does this mean they recommend wearing a rubber while you go trick-or-treating? hmmm..... (PS, the only reason there's failblog stuff on the pic is because that's how I got the HTML :P)

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days review.

2009-10-23T04:16:00.004+01:00

Hi, I'm Pianoman91894 and I'm a new contributor on this blog. I do mostly game reviews, both new and old. If there are any games you want me to review, go ahead and message me at pianoman91894@gmail.com.

Intro:
Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days is a game that is based on the bad guy side of the Kingdom Hearts story, Orginization XIII. Basically you play as the new orginization’s member, Roxas, who finds himself lost in his life with the orginization, but finding friendship between an older member (Axel) and a brand new member (Xion, pronounced Shion).
Basically all of them are Nobodies, which means that they don’t have a heart, and therefore can’t feel emotion. This is where the Kingdom Heartts comes in. You fight nemies called Heartless that when destroyed by the keyblade (Xion and Roxas’ main weapon) release hearts which get transferred into the Kingdom Hearts. Once the Kingdom Hearts is finished, the Nobodies (supposedly) will be allowed to have hearts of their own.
Now that the main story is cleared up, lets get on with the review.

Base:
358/2 days is an amazing, emotional game for all. Because the Orginization members can’t feel emotion, they’re basing their feelings on how they remember them from before they were in the Orginization. This really shows and adds to the games unknown feel, but at the same time, it’s a bit odd when the 3 friends are laughing or crying. It kind of makes it feel as if they’re doing the exactly what they said they COULDN’T do, and that hurts the story of the game quite a bit.

Features:
358/2 days also has a new feature never before seen in the kingdom hearts series, coop multiplayer. Multiplayer is extremeley fun and friendly for if you have a few friends that you want to kill some time with, however there isn’t any wi-fi play, which means that in order to experience the fun of multiplayer, you have to have at least one more friend that has the same game, and they won’t always meet your standards.
The only real problem that I found with the multiplayer is that the game slows down a bit when you get 3 or more players, but this isn’t unexpected because it is only the DS, and it’s already an amazing game in terms of graphics as it is.

graphics:
Speaking of graphics, they’re amazing for the DS. The artwork and animations are outstanding, and there are only a couple of places where this hurts the game in terms of lag or slow-down. There are also voice acted, movie like cutscenes, which are outstandingly beautiful, but it’s sad to see that there are so few of them. The majority of the game’s cutscenes are text with game graphics, when I felt that there really could’ve been more of the movie cutscenes that I love so much.

sound:
The sounds are amazing, especially for the DS. Music ripped right out of the original games sounds high quality and brings back memories. Great, nostalgic memories. The worlds are also ripped right out of the original games. You’ll find yourself familiar with places such as Twilight Town and Halloween Town.
With stars such as Jesse McCartney and Christopher Lee, the voice acting is outstanding. It really is just like watching a movie when those cutscenes come along.

Overall:
The biggest problem with the game is what happens at the end. Don’t worry, no spoilers here, but after you beat the game, there’s nothing to do in the main story anymore. You’re just left in Twilight Town with nothing to do, no one to talk to, not even anyone to fight. You can go ahead and fight the final boss again, but this isn’t something that I want to do at all.
There is a challenges mode where you’ll be given an objective such as find all of the treasure chests in level ___, or defeat all of the giant heartless in level ____, but these get a bit boring, and ther really are some missions that I just don’t want to replay. You can also replay missions without the challenges and collect Munny (the currency in the game) or Hearts to shop for upgrades with, but the same still applies with me and repeating missions.
The game also repeats A LOT. You’ll find yourself with the same objectivve over and over again, just in different worlds. I’m so sick of trying to collect hearts in Wonderland, or perform recon in the Beast’s Castle, or defeat the Phantomtail in Neverland. GAH! but this only lasts for the first hundred days, which really is more like 40 missions.

Final verdict:
358/2 days is a die hard Kingdom Hearts fan’s game, which I am not…..I’ve actually never played the originals in my life. But the game is revealing enough that you’ll understand what’s going on. Either way, it’s an amazing game, with amazing graphics and sound (I especially love the music) and will keep you going for well over 30 hours without the challenges and multiplayer.
Final score: 8.5/10

I really hope you enjoyed my first review, and they will get better. I’m no writer, but this is something that I’ve wanted to do for a really long time. Thanks!

WARNING!!! This post is property of teh Pianoman and Setto! If you use this review without permission, you shall be struck by lightning, ran over by a bus, and have your hand cut off by a midget with a prostetic leg, and live while on a date with an ugly girl you met while you were drunk and naked at a pub in the middle of nowhere. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Experimenting With MySims: Episode 1 - Increasing Number Of Essences

2009-10-09T23:36:00.008+01:00

Soooooo my new project is messing around with EA's MySims on PC.

There's a lot of .xml files to fool around with here, and it takes a little while to work out what everything does but it's all named in a pretty self-explanatory way.

REMEMBER
Whenever you're editing something like this make backups of anything you're going to change! You never know when you might fuck something up by accident and not be able to work out how to change it back.

Now I'm a novice at modding and changing values in games, so I do not give any guarantee about the effects and results of ANY of these pieces of information, try at your own risk.

We'll start with the things that are already well known around the internet:

This was taken from a cheats site and is spread around the interwebz a fair bit.

How To Alter The Number Of Essences You Have:

First, play the game and grab HAPPY essence (because it is easy to obtain) or APPLE (because it is the first essence), then save. Go to My Documents folder - Electronic Arts - Mysims - SaveData1 (can be 1,2,3 according the savegame number). Open playerRecord.xml with a text editor such as Notepad.

Find the line:

happy type="number"
(or applefruit type="number" )

In this line you can edit the number of essence (up to 99) for example:

happy type="number"99/happy
applefruit type="number"99/applefruit

Save the document and close it, then open MySims normally and see if it worked.

So that's something basic and easy to get you started.

Following articles will have other values in.

Have fun!

MUGEN rounds

2009-10-03T17:53:00.002+01:00

The Asylum early concept images dump

2009-10-03T17:43:00.002+01:00

Just an image dump of some stuff i made for a Gaia guild.

And he said...

2009-09-22T00:15:00.001+01:00

PompeyGaz: setto is better than sherlock holmes because he isn't dead
Setto: EXACTLY
Setto: fucking damn right
PompeyGaz: he's like dangermouse but bigger
PompeyGaz: like a superted
PompeyGaz: like superted without the spotty

My Favourite Emoticon Ever.

2009-09-17T23:48:00.000+01:00

(☞ಠ_д_ಠ)☞

Ducks

2009-08-28T13:44:00.003+01:00

Banner Examples Image Dump

2009-08-28T12:36:00.003+01:00

Just a dump of three example banners I made for my Gaia banner shop.

Friend Profiles - Crimefighting Crew

2009-08-25T00:49:00.004+01:00

I love these guys.

I "acquired" these little fellows from Tesco I'm afraid, so nothing too mystical there. However I do think they're really, really cute. They may seem like a trio of tiny animals, made of plastic and with some kind of furry finish to them, but in actual fact they are a crack team of crime-fighting mini-detectives.

The zebra is... regrettably dead now. I twisted it's head off. The reasons for this are... questionable. My excuse is that out of all the animals this one was the only one wearing make-up and had blusher on. Its neck was also at an unpleasant angle to begin with, and it stole some of my ennnergy drankz.

The other two, however are alive and well and still fighting crime to this day. I don't know where the remains of the zebra are, I had them for a short while but lost them. "Tree Bark" the crocodile is a friendly guy, strictly vegetarian and has great skill at fencing. "World Crusher" the elephant is adorably cute, but at heart a tyrannical beast that devours entire lands in a raging inferno of gore and terror. Together they're pretty much unstoppable, they're the reason that batman only goes out at night. (at night they're tucked up in bed after warm milk and cookies.)

CC001 - Origins

2009-08-25T00:36:00.001+01:00

How I came across CatMan;

Now there are two versions of this tale. There is what some would call the "truth" and it is bland and boring. I will tell this second. The tale I will tell first is how it happened as far as I see it, the CatMan version.

This was tales ago, before many adventures had occurred. I was as I am now a kid having fun. I was however more naive and innocent.

I had not yet journeyed to the centre of the universe, I had not yet slayed the Cerberus which guards hell itself, in fact the height of my achievements so far had been that I had managed to touch my nose with my tongue. And of this I was proud.

And yet even having touched my nose in this way, and therefor discovered what my nose tasted like (apple pie), I felt as though there was an emptiness in my heart and mind. A void that could only be filled with the most magical thing. I had tried to fill it with sacred herbs. I had tried to fill it with books about dinosaurs. i had even tried to fill it by watching the music video for "Take On Me" backwards at half speed, WITH audio. But none had worked.

And then, one night in a dream, a voice did come to me. And it said;

"Meooooooooow."

And I did understand. And I did wake that instant, and leave my house. I walked for weeks, eyes closed. I travelled over deserts and mountains, I travelled under seas and stars. I met many people, although I don't remember their faces, because my eyes were shut.

And then eventually I came to a great volcano, and opened my eyes. And atop this volcano sat CatMan, surrounded by flying dinosaurs and bathed in an aura so bright it burned my eyes, but I could not and wished not to look away.

And he did descend. And he did take my hand in his paw. And in those seconds he did impart to me millions of years of wisdom. And he did say;

"What you just learned, is only the start."

And we both did weep with joy, and smoke many herbs, and walk back to my home, where he took a place in the corner of the room and did sleep for a while because it was a really long walk and he was tired.

And that is the way it did pass.

And now for the "real" account, which other people tend to prefer to believe.

I found him in a skip once when i was high.

More ZOMGSRSLY graphics

2009-08-25T00:09:00.003+01:00

Just an image dump of some buttons I made for ZOMGSRSLY.

Funny Warning Signs

2009-08-24T23:46:00.005+01:00

I saw a warning sign today, that said;

"ELECTRICITY is dangerous."

Now I'm sorry, but WHO THE FUCK that has any access to electricity and is old enough and/or able to read, does not know this? If anything this sign is simply there to stop natural selection from running it's course. It made me want to see some more signs like that.Obviously meant to mean beware of pickpockets, but come on what does that look like?Even after their wires have killed you the bastards will still take your money.Always be sure to do this, those little fellows get everywhere.Look out for this motherfucker.If anything, I find this sign reassuring! Who the FUCK (other than evil scientists that cause Godzilla-esque disasters) gives machines brains!?
I don't understand this either, are the moose around these parts particularly aggressive or do moose just hate cars?I like the choice of the word "performance".

And finally, it's nice to see that the animals take priority here.

Source for all images;
I googled around a bit. I'm lazy.

Agenda - Additions

2009-08-17T21:09:00.003+01:00

As well as the items already mentioned, there are a couple of new things on the agenda;

Recently getting back into Fallout 3 modding and code creation, this means that the Zombie Apocalypse mods I was going to work on are initiated and in progress. These are far more long-term projects though that my knowledge on is a lot less complete. Still, I'm hopeful about them and think they're going to be worth waiting for.

More short stories are in the works, as you can see by the couple recently posted. Leaning more towards a "post-CatMan" angle for a while, not permanently though don't worry :P Just seeing what kind of more far-out plots can be thought up while still being a part of the CatMan Chronicles series.

Going away to Northampton from Thursday of this week to the next. This either means that there'll be less development going on, or as last time, a great amount more seeing as I'll have not much else to do. In keeping with some kind of tradition that has surfaced, most of the work while I'm there will probably be on or around the Pokémon ROM hacking project, just as last time. Hopefully this time there will not be any terrible losses of data. :P

And that's about all, on a side note and not quite in the agenda, it was discussed and thought about a moderate amount on whether some kind of stand-alone website should be created for some of the more serious projects I'm working on. You may or may not know that we had the CAU forums until a while ago, but they're taken down from public web now for the foreseeable future. Now any new site developed would probably be less forum based and more about the actual projects, showcasing them and offering downloads and patches etc. This idea seems like a good one and will likely be pursued, but not for quite a while.

CC-638 The Goblins And The Flower

2009-08-15T17:25:00.000+01:00

There was a land many minutes ago, perhaps even a month, where there lived a flock of Goblins. With small, stunted frames and a leathery skin, they served little purpose other than to feast on the land's plant-life and sleep in it's caves. For a time it was good, as the Goblin's feasting kept the land's ecosystem running smoothly and prevented the most dangerous plants population from growing too great. The Goblins were immune to all poisons and tricks that the local plants contained, and so were not picky about which they would eat for any reason other than taste and filling properties. The Goblins had always lived in the caves, ever since they could remember, however their memories were appalling and so it could just as easily have been a recent living choice. And so they ate, and they slept, for what seemed like ages.

It's a little known fact that I stayed in the land of Goblin for a short while during my journeys. In fact, some would have you believe that I am indeed still there now. I will say this early on, but my time in the land of these Goblins was in no way a positive experience, as they are tricky and deceitful folk, that care only for the desires of themselves (and the eating of plants). Now on my arrival I was unaware that this land had any inhabitants at all, and I decided that staying in the caves littered around the area would be my best bet for a nap. With me at this time in the journey I had no companion, CatMan had been sent off on some kind of business trip to Spain and I hadn't the heart to take anyone if CatMan wasn't coming. All I had in my possession was a pack of generic survival supplies, and a small flower, which I had been given previously (see CatMan Chronicles - 637). Said flower was tucked carefully behind my ear, so as not to loose it but still have it present at all times. I found a comfortable looking cave and laid down to rest.

When I woke, I was being clambered over and picked at by these Goblin creatures. I called out in alarm and jumped to my feet, kicking and flailing my arms to get them away. They quickly scurried off out of the cave and away into the undergrowth outside. The weather had changed to a pouring rain, and I could see that dawn was just breaking. I took a small stove from my backpack and began to cook my breakfast. As I sat watching the pink water boil, I absent-mindedly fumbled with my hair and hummed a tune to myself. It was only then that I realised, the flower was no longer tucked behind my ear! I scrambled around on the floor of the cave, but it was no use. It was clear that those dastardly Goblins had made off with it! I scowled and hit the ground, but I knew it was not helping. I calmed myself down, and began to think. As far as I could guess, the Goblins would sleep in these caves also, hence they had found me here. So I would just have to trek along, checking any caves I came across. I sighed, it was going to be a long day.

The Goblins, by now, had returned to their cave village and were celebrating their find. The Goblin elders examined the flower, and confirmed with a nod that it had indeed come from another land. This kind of flower had never been seen by Goblin before.
(If you haven't read the description of the flower from the other story, it's basically a vibrant purple and yellow item, with thick and heavy, diamond shaped petals. It's a self-concious being and never forgets anything it has seen.)
The entire village was very excited. They placed the flower atop of Match-Stick Hill, where all the Goblins could see it. There was some dispute as to who owned it, but the chief dictated that whoever was the first Goblin to lay hands on it, must come and explain to him how and where it was obtained. Nervously the Goblin obliged, and drew a complicated diagram of the events in a sand pit for the chief to examine. The chief was saddened by the news that a giant outsider had come to their land, but he praised the Goblins for robbing it. That night the flower remained on Match-Stick Hill and the Goblins had a great celebration.

Now in this land, the weather was reliable and honest. It would rain once at the first light of day, and once it was done, the sun would shine for the remainder. This suited the Goblins fine, and they had no worries. However, that morning, as the Goblins began to wake up, they realised that it had not rained! At first they were calm, and simply thought that if they waited, it would rain. By the evening, they were beginning to become concerned. A group of the older Goblins gathered to discuss the events, on top of Orange Hill. This was a pointless exercise, because none of the Goblins had ever been able to speak. And so the elders sat atop Orange Hill and watched a campfire burn. All of the other Goblins were hiding in the caves, waiting in hope for the next morning.

All of this time, I had been walking, searching for the Goblin's camp. They had left a trail which I had followed, but after a few miles I lost it and became confused of my location. Basically, I had no idea where I was, or when and if the Goblins would come back for the rest of my food and supplies. I was feeling down, and began to wonder why I'd even bothered to visit this land. I found a small cave and crawled in to sleep.

Back at the Goblin camp, it was morning again. Still, there was no rain, and they were becoming very worried. In the searing heat of the day, many of the plants they depended on were drying up and becoming unappetising. Their eyes had begun to gaze upon my flower, perched on Match-Stick Hill. The chief had forbidden anyone from eating it, but that meant little to Goblins. It would not be long before their filthy claws and iron teeth were tearing my flower asunder.

The next day, again there was still no rain, but the Goblins were all outraged by something else. One of the beautiful petals from my flower had gone, leaving only twelve more. Now to Goblins it was obvious that somebody had simply eaten it. This would be fine, if every single other Goblin wasn't jealous and didn't want to eat a petal too. But they did. And so the Goblins fell upon the flower, gnashing their teeth at thin air and slashing each others backs while the few that were at the front gobbled down the petals. The chief sighed a knowing and remorseful sigh, and went to Orange Hill to alert the elders of what had happened, who were still sat in thought.

As the chief set off for Orange Hill, I was just arriving at the outskirts of the village. I stared in amazement at the network of caves and hills that these Goblins had created.

The chief was stood amongst the elders on Orange Hill, desperately trying to get their attention, but they seemed to be lost in some form of trance. The chief was about to turn away, but at that moment the elders all looked to the sky, and pointed upwards. With a series of great booms, the air filled with clouds and lightening.

I gazed at the sky, wondering what had brought on this sudden rain. By this point I had reached near the centre of the village, and had worked out the general layout. I had not yet encountered any Goblins though, and this puzzled me.

The chief looked from elder to elder, trying to find some kind of explanation, but they were still pointing upwards. He looked back up, just in time to see a gigantic lightening bolt descending towards Orange Hill where they stood. He leaped down the far side of the hill, rolling and tumbling to the bottom as with a mighty crash, the elders atop were burned to a crisp by lightening.

I jumped in surprise as the lightening hit the top of the hill which I'd been watching seconds earlier. There had been some kind of figures atop it and so I had thought maybe my flower was there. As I reached the centre of the village, I came across the only Goblins I had so far encountered there. In a great mound they were piled, dead. Scattered around the bottom and all the way up the sides of Match-Stick Hill. I walked over to inspect more closely, finding it to be a scene of gore and clearly some sort of strange self-destruction on their part. At the very top of the hill, I saw my flower! With a sinking feeling, I noticed it had only one petal left. Even that was tattered and bruised. I sighed, and began to slowly make my way to the top of the hill.

The chief stood at the top of the hill, watching me climb. As I reached the top, and looked him in the eyes, he laughed dryly. He stretched out a slimy arm and tore the last petal from the flower. Before I could do anything, he had shovelled it into his maw and munched it down.

As I stood, shocked, I wondered what on Earth the meaning of this adventure could be. What was I supposed to have learned? Where did I go from here? But then I realised what it all had meant;
Little Goblins that steal and eat my flowers, will get shot with lightening by God. Or just slash each other up.

The chief was still grinning, so I picked him up, squished him in my hand, and tucked him behind my ear.

CATMANZ MOST NOTHING ADVENTURE YET

2009-08-15T15:19:00.000+01:00

episode 312 - part elephant

Oh tales that could be told, at this point. Tales of woe and indeed tales of great joy. CatMan and I had been through much, and remembered almost half of it. Maybe not quite half, but the quarter of the half that we could not remember, we replaced with memories of things that never happened. And this is how it came to be that we began to forget all of that which was bad, and harmful to our think-wave. Instead now we lived almost fully in the lands of our tales. Almost, I say, because of course a slither of us both must remain at all times in the vanilla-real-world, so as to keep our brainz powers attatched to some kind of physical form. And so in this state we now stumbled, passing and being passed by many an event, partaking in some as they went and others simply observing as they flew by. A great time indeed it was, but it was soon all to be ended!
Unknown to us, a great beast had it's sights on us, and it had done for quite some time now. It made no direct moves as of yet, but it indeed intended to.

Pacman Edit

2009-08-13T20:16:00.003+01:00

A photoshop edit of a picture I found on google.

Screens from GBA

2009-08-13T17:08:00.001+01:00

Dump of amusing screenshots from I THINK Broken Sword or something on GBA.

Image Editing - Examples

2009-08-13T17:02:00.003+01:00

Just a dump of a couple of images I made learning a bit more about combining different tools in photoshop.

My friend Quinlan
Ben

Life is an Anticlimax

2009-08-09T08:28:00.003+01:00

Just getting back into using photoshop for text since I got my laptop back.

M&M Man Smoking

2009-08-08T11:53:00.001+01:00

I'm just gonna leave this here...

Lego Island Is Full Of Perverts And Weirdos

2009-08-08T11:37:00.005+01:00

I remembered the other day, how much fun I had playing Lego Island on Playstation as a child. It made me want to play it again. However I couldn't find it anywhere, and so eventually I found out about and settled for Lego Island on the Gameboy Advance. It's a pretty dull game in my opinion, but after a while I started to notice that the NPC randoms standing around in the world were a bit odd in their choice of words...

I think that one speaks for itself.
Well, check out his facial avatar in the bottom left too.
Sound advice.
I liked this little meme reference.
Some ARM experiments eh? Would they be anything to do with your "useless wooden toy" from previous conversations?

Some Emoticons I Made

2009-08-08T11:28:00.005+01:00

I made these emoticons for ZOMGSRSLY quite a while ago. The smilie set still isn't finished and as such has not been used on the site yet, but I thought maybe other people might be able to use them for whatever purpose.

WIN

2009-08-08T10:23:00.000+01:00

I got my laptop and all my other shit back. There should be a mother-load of updates in the near future.

4 Reasons Barney The Dinosaur Should Not Be Allowed Near Children

2009-08-06T15:13:00.005+01:00

"We need to find incriminating photographs of Barney."
"No no, we can make them."

1. He's a fucking dinosaur.

2. Let's examine him;
-He has no visable genetalia, leading us to suspect that his sexual organs are in fact concealed and highly venomous/valuable.
-Look closely, he only has two huge teeth that span the entirety of his upper and lower jaw. Those be child eaten' teeth.
-He's not ACTUALLY a dinosaur, he's a strange man in a purple suit. This could be said to negate point 1. However the man in the suit IS wholely convinced that he is in fact a dinosaur.

So simply from looking at him we know he's bad news.

3. He cage fights with dwarfs.

4. Let's examine some video footage;

On the surface it seems wonderful, a friendly dinosaur spreading happiness. Contrary to what you may have been led to believe, this is actual video footage of the initiation ritual into Barney's Family which all children he kidnaps go through. This video enough is reason to keep him away from your children.

PRO TIP:
It's really trippy in other languages.

Thankyou for your time, these messages are for your own safety.

M.U.G.E.N - An Introduction

2009-08-02T06:21:00.005+01:00

M.U.G.E.N

ChunLi vs. Mario?

Mugen is a 2D fighter engine, which basically can be modded and switched around and tweaked to your fancy. Originally created by 'Elecbyte', it's become widely known and popular. One of the best things about it, is that there is a wealth of original content out there on the web for it, and versions of pretty much any fighter game character you can think of that already exists. There's cartoon characters, game characters from all kinds of genres, anime characters, etc etc etc you get the idea. You can make your own characters, music, stages and everything, and put them into the game :D There are versions for DOS, Linux, and Windows. There's now a high-res version too apparently, but I haven't tried that out yet.

It's all pretty simple once you get used to it and work out the basics. To start with you're going to want the basic package, so here's two links that at the time of writing this work and lead to Windows version MUGEN downloads. If they end up going dead somehow I'm sure you can use a search engine :P
http://mugen.en.softonic.com/download
http://www.heroesofgaming.com/mugen/p13_sectionid/5/s/13ccbe5c2296ca7eb1ca8d5ef8f90f2b

Now in WinMUGEN's basic setup you'll only have one character, called KFM or Kung Fu Man. One stage, for him, and one other "Training" stage. A basic menu, character select screen, and sounds. The whole game engine should work fine and not need any adjustments. Try fighting just with KFM, you'll see that this is just like titles such as Street Fighter. Now before going mad downloading the 1000 other characters you want to put in your game, it'd be a good idea to get a screenpack.

SCREENPACKS
Screenpacks are the menus, character select screens, and all those aspects of the game, bundled into a pack which is easy to install and run. Now different screenpacks have different aims so you'll want one that fits your needs. Some are designed with masses of slots in the character select screen, so you can have a huge roster. Some are very professional, and have their own sound sets and music, and basically look like any console 2D fighter game. Have a search around for one that you like the look of, the one that I use is called "EvE" and it's quite popular, not hard to find online.

Download your selected screenpack and unpack the files. Now there should be a readme file and you should of course follow that. If there is no readme then don't worry, all you'll probably need to do is drag the contents of the screenpack into your MUGEN folder and when it asks if you want to overwrite old files say "Yes to all". There are more detailed tutorials out there for this part if you get stuck. Try running your MUGEN now and see if you like the new look. If you do, it's time to get some characters.

CHARACTERS
Now I know it is tempting to rush out and grab all the characters on the internet, but try to do it systematically and properly. There are many characters out there that have been made too strong, weak, fast etc and they will unbalance your MUGEN roster if you just add them all in. There are characters that are designed to just pwn anything that stands in their way and I doubt you want to be taking those on the first few times you play :P
A good place to start is getting characters you're familier with and can recognise, for example Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat. Have a search around online, there are some links that could help at the bottom of the article. Download the characters, which will be in .zip or .rar or an equivilent format, and save them somewhere so you can prepare them for your game. Unpack your first character files. Now you'll either have a nice neat folder with the character's name as it's title, or a group of files. If you have a group of files just make a new folder and drop them all in it. Now in the files there will be one with the extension .def and the name of it is usually the character's name. You need to make sure that the name of this folder full of files is the safe as the name of that .def file, or the character won't work. Now open your MUGEN folder, and look for a folder named "Chars". Drop all your character folders in there.
The next part is quick and simple but easy to make errors in. In your MUGEn folder there is a folder called "data". Go into that and look for a text file called "select". Open that file. In here you tell your MUGEN where to load characters from and which ones to load, stages and other things as well. Look for a part of the text file that's filled with the repeated words "randomselect". This is where you enter your characters. Replace one of the "randomselect" with the name of one of the character folders in your chars folder. It must be exactly the same as the name of the character folder to work. Fill in all your characters, replacing "randomselect" in a few spots. Now save the text file and run your MUGEN. :D

It being 7am and all, I'm starting to get sleepy, so I'll continue MUGEN tutorials at a later date. Have fun :P

Want some more info?
http://www.mugenguild.com/
http://infinitymugenteam.com/
http://forum.paodemugen.com.br/
http://www.mugen-infantry.net/
http://www.mgbr.net/

Tractor Hair Video

2009-08-01T23:07:00.003+01:00

Just a quick video from a while ago. The URL at the end is no longer used by me and so leads nowhere that I have any connection with. (It's not me on the tractor, first it's Captain Pain and then T-Man.)

Agenda

2009-08-01T22:54:00.003+01:00

Well, among other things I just rediscovered M.U.G.E.N, and so upcoming projects are likely going to see some kind of resources for that. Probably stages if anything.

I'm putting off work on the pokémon ROM for a while, probably just until I get my laptop back but lawd knows when that'll be. Basically once I DO get my laptop, the pokémon ROM is a high priority to the point where I may not release anything for a while, but it'll be worth it.

RPG Maker resources will be flowing steadily as always because they're just so simple to make. Probably a few more GB games but mostly NES. Almost certainly all battle monster sprites too, although I'm about 1/4 way through a zombie apocalypse version of the preset "Indoors" chipset, and am also working on some pokémon related stuff.

Web graphics MAY be on hold until I get my laptop back unless I learn to get patient with my current computer :P

On a personal level, court is all dealt with until October and Community Service is initiated >.< It shouldn't all take as long as I had thought to blow over, which is good of course.

Also looking forwards to our fungal friends that'll be sprouting soon-ish :D good time of year.

Peace.

Swine Flu: The Deadly Truth - Part 1

2009-07-30T04:03:00.008+01:00

Exhibit hr-3; SWINE

Now I'm sure that unless you live under the sea, you've heard something about Swine Flu. Whether you heard it from the newspaper, the TV, scietists or aliens, forget all you know about it so far and prepare to find out the horrifying truth...
WHAT IT IS
The NHS website says;
"Swine influenza is a disease in pigs. The virus currently transmitting among people is now generally referred to as swine flu, although the origin of the disease is still under investigation. There is no evidence of this strain of the disease circulating in pigs in the UK."

But then, why is it affecting humans? The NHS can tell us;
"Because the swine flu virus has mutated (changed) and is now able to infect humans and transmit between them."
Now at this point we need to make a very important decision about how we're going to take that. We can assume one of either two ways; either it mutated by chance and evolution, OR perhapse it made a concious decision to mutate in order to get into our systems. Now it's clear that Swine Flu did not make a concious decision for itself, and so that would lead us to think that if it was conciously adapted deliberately, then somebody else must have done it...

It's become known among certain people that for the past 30 years, Maggie Thatcher has been experimenting on viruses in her secret lab;Maggie Driving to Work

The stone demon that Maggie was created from 300BC.

As you can see from the wealth of evidence above, she is clearly responsible for the creation of swine flu.

CATCHING IT
Now, one of the first things you need to know about is catching it, or rather how not to. Well it's not hard to catch. Seeing as it's airborn, there's really no definite way for the general public to escape this invisible assassin of nature. Therefor it's best to just live in constant alert. Be ready to put tissues in the bin as soon as you use them, be sure to kill and burn all pigs you come across to decrease their numbers. Try to keep physical contact with any living creature to a bare minimum. For example;

^WRONG^
Kissing pigs is a sure fire way to catch Swine Flu.

^CORRECT^
Wearing protective plastic on any parts of your body that may touch any other living thing is essential.

WHAT IT DOES
The effects are complex, and great in number. There has been some dispute in the scientific community, but we today can bring you the horror of the truth.

a sudden fever (a high body temperature of 38°C/100.4°F or above), and
a sudden cough.

Is what the NHS website tells us are the "typical symptoms". Other reported symptoms are;

a sudden urge for raw meat.
lack of vocal cordination.
lack of depth perception and spacial awareness.
memory loss.
tissue decay and loss.
momentary unconciousness; followed by
increase in all above symptoms.

I think we all know what that means. You just have to ask yourself...

Because it's clear for anyone to see that soon, there's gonna be one coming at your front door moaning for a chunk of your brainz.

MORE ON THIS STORY, AS IT COMES TO US HERE IN THE STUDIO, MEANWHILE, BACK TO THE WEATHER

...

2009-07-30T03:52:00.001+01:00

I'm just gonna leave this here...

Gaia Online - Tainted Desires Guild Banners and Buttons Request

2009-07-30T03:40:00.004+01:00

A request from someone on Gaia a little while ago. Basically banners and buttons for their guild and some of their sub-forums.

RPG Maker - Some Old School Mario Land Battle Monster Sprite Rips

2009-07-30T02:53:00.006+01:00

A few sprite rips from Nintendo GB Super Mario Land, ready for use in RPG Maker. Nothing major just ripped a few of the characters at random, forgot to do the first boss and so only ended up doing the second one. Will possibly do the rest at a later point.

This is the second boss, I don't remember it's name, if I can be bothered I'll go look it up and come back and edit this one time :PMario

Mario in his submarine
Easter Island head from the background grey
Easter Island head from the background without grey touch-up

All characters owned by Nintendo.

RPG Maker - Zelda II Battle Monster Boss Sprites

2009-07-29T19:36:00.005+01:00

Another image dump of some boss monster sprites ripped from Zelda II The Adventure of Link, and supplied in an RPGMaker ready format. If there are any requests for sprite rips let me know, preferably more on the Battle Monster theme as I'm trying to build up a mega RTP one section at a time.

^Gooma

^Carock

^Horsehead

^Barba

Nintendo own the rights to all these monsters, as far as I am aware.

RPG Maker - Bowser and Blooper Battle Monster Sprites

2009-07-29T18:28:00.004+01:00

Two more battle monster sprites ripped from old-gen games.

Again, Nintendo own all the rights to these characters obviously.

RPG Maker 2003 - Donkey Kong Battle Monster Sprite

2009-07-29T17:55:00.005+01:00

Here is the most recent monster I ripped for a game I was making on RPG Maker 2003, it's the old-school DK.
TO ADD IT TO YOUR GAME:
Simply right click on the image and select "Save As". Now you need to save it into your RPG Maker's RTP, which is the collection of images and sounds your RPG games use. The folder will be located in a similar place to the rest of your RPG Maker files, mine is simply in Program Files -> RpgMaker2003 -> RTP. Save it into the "Monster" folder and you're ready to use it. If you need help finding out how to add monsters to your database in the game, just google for a tutorial :P
I'll eventually be aiming to post a great amount of RPGMaker tutorials.

As far as I'm aware, Nintendo own the rights to all things Donkey Kong related.

Messing Around On Photoshop

2009-07-29T17:30:00.004+01:00

Here's an image dump of some random things I've made while messing around on photoshop to learn more of it's features;

Banners - For A Gaia Thread

2009-07-29T17:08:00.006+01:00

Just dumping some graphics I recently made for a
thread on Gaia.

Not exactly amazing, but seeing as I still have not got my laptop back and I'm using an oooooold computer here, I didn't think they were too bad.

Watched In The Woods

2009-07-29T16:29:00.010+01:00

A while ago me and my friend Presty-Boy went on a nice walk through nature. We basically spent the day running around in trees and doing not much else. Still it was pleasent to be around so much greenery. We found some cool animal dens too.

And then of course we had a run-in with Mr.CCTV;

Wonderful to know just quite how "everywhere" these things are these days, eh?

Facebook Apps.

2009-07-29T16:15:00.005+01:00

I've recently made a couple of apps on Facebook. Nothing flashy, just two quizzes and a gift app. Trying it out to see if it's something I'd like to make more of, basically. So here they are;

Zombie Apocalypse Gift App.
A simple gift app with which you can send items to your friends that they would find useful in a zombie apocalypse. It starts with less exotic items you'd expect to see, and gradually as you send more to your friends you unlock more items, including a flamethrower and a jeep.

In what EPIC way will you meet your doom?
A quiz consisting of several random questions, to find out which of the available epic deaths is to be your fate.

How ready are you for the zombie apocalypse?
Another quiz, obviously designed to tell you how ready you are for the zombie apocalypse.

I might make some more apps at some point that are better, those ones are basically the minimum amount of original content possible and the making of them pretty much consists of filling in text fields, but we'll see.

tranz-misshun

2009-07-28T18:21:00.004+01:00

CAPTAIN! NUMEROUS RAPTORS SIGHTED ON THE TREE-LINE!

SHIT, HOW LONG DO WE HAVE BEFORE THEY BREAK THROUGH THE PERIMETER?!

NOT MORE THAN THREE EARTH MINUTES, SIR!

HAS IT COME TO THIS SO SOON? FIRE THE CARLSBERG CANONS, THAT WILL SURELY SLOW THEM.

FIRING, SIR. NO VISABLE AFFECT, SIR, RAPTORS INCREASING SPEED.

MY GAWD, THIS CAN'T BE THE LAST MISSION, NOT NOW! WE CAN'T LET THEM TAKE THE BASE.

SIR, WE'RE RECEIVEING A TRANSMISSION.

WHAT!? PUT IT THROUGH ON THE MAIN SCREEN.

BZZZZZT
OH HAI DERR, CATMAN HERE, MY SHIP IS NEARING YOUR POSITION, HEARD YOU WERE HAVING RAPTOR TROUBLE

CATMAN! BUT, HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO FAST?

THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT NOW, DO YOU HAVE A LANDING DOCK CLEAR?

NO! ALL OF OUR LANDING DOCKS ARE FILLED WITH SHIPS ALREADY!

NO MATTER! I WILL LAND MY SHIP ON TOP OF YOUR SHIPS.

DAMN HE'S GOOD.

The Tale Of 7

2009-07-28T18:02:00.002+01:00

Nobody knows exactly how or why the events in this tale came to pass. All that is known is the story, passed down from generation to generation, and even from one culture to another. Some people would have you believe that this tale begins in the third age of the rising EGG, but I know better than this. In fact, the beginning of this saga stretches as far back as the forging of CatMan and his seven sons. It is well known among men that the most wise and righteous CatMan had six sons of virtue and promise, however it is less known that he indeed had a seventh son. This son was named Hairy Seven, for he was indeed hairy, and deformed in the shape of the number seven. The deformation was not in any way geometrically sound, and he was a lumpy, squishy excuse of a human number. This ruled out the possibility of an acting role on Sesame Street, which had at his birth seemed like his only option. Catman was furious about how useless this child was, but as all good men know, Catman is a caring and merciful guardian. He decided to hide Hairy Seven away in a cave. The cave of course was no ordinary lump of stone, but in fact had the power to gift it's inhabitant with whatever possessions they desired. Hairy Seven lived in this cave for thousands of years, and never wished for anything except a bowl of pasta each time his tummy grumbled. The cave would, each time, supply the bowl of pasta. Hairy Seven became a very weak and frail number over the years, as pasta contains only the most basic of nutritious
requirements. His hair began to fall away from his body, and he carefully collected it as it did so, making sure to keep it all in a small pile at the very back of the cave. The cave was filled with pure and impenetrable darkness, and so eventually Hairy Seven's eyes began to close themselves up. After a few hundred years he'd lost the power of sight completely. He cared not, for the years trapped in this cave had not been kind to his brain, and all that mattered to him was his next dish of pasta. The thick but soft squelch as his formerly hairy teeth sank through the beige flesh. The strange watery but kind of solid residue that remained around the edge of the bowl if he left the pasta in it too long. The fact that it went soft when you cooked it, but if you cooked it too much it just went hard again, oh the fun he'd had softening and hardening pasta. All these things he loved, but he knew, deep down inside his hideous body, that soon his time to leave would come.

That day he awoke, like any other, and collected the hair he'd lost in the night. he carefully placed it on top of his pile and sat in front of it cross legged. He pursed his lips and let out a low and sad noise. He'd never made such a noise before, and the cave was terrified. Hairy Seven's blind eyes moved towards the place where the pasta would normally appear. He reached upwards with his scrawny arms and wailed uncontrollably. His teeth had become soft and useless from so much pasta, and as he shrieked and cried they fell one by one from his mouth and onto the ground. Forty nine teeth lay there, each half crimson, half pearl. He stopped wailing and stooped down to pick them up, scrambling with his hands and finding all but one. He placed them atop the hair pile and wept quietly to himself. The cave was greatly worried, Hairy Seven had never been like this before. A cold, untouched bowl of pasta sat on the ground next to the hair pile. Hairy Seven had not even considered eating today, while usually by this time he'd be on his third bowl. A calm and soothing sound, like wind, echoed around Hairy Seven:

"If you don't eat your pasta," said the cave's quiet voice, "Then you'll not grow big and strong."

Hairy Seven stopped weeping and bit his lip, shaking his head as he did so.

"Listen," said the cave, "I know you're sad, but there's nothing for it. Just eat up."

Hairy Seven spat towards the pasta. "I'll not be eating any more while I'm here, cave." He stood up, looking down at the ground with his blind eyes, "And I'll be leaving here soon, be sure of that!"

These words troubled the cave greatly. Never before had it heard such defiance. It decided to serve up the noon bowl of pasta as usual though, in an attempt to make things normal again. But Hairy Seven did not eat. Instead, he sat in the corner next to his hair pile, pulling what he had left off of his body and adding it to the pile on the ground. This went on for some weeks, until Seven no longer had a single hair. he smiled a toothless grin and breathed out heavily, for he'd been holding his breath since he'd last spoken. Seven felt his way towards the dining area of the cave, which was now filled with bowls of pasta. He began to dip his hands into the bowls, slurring them around for a few seconds and then throwing them aside. The cave simply watched in fear, not knowing what in EGG's holy name was happening. After all but one of the bowls had been thrown away, Seven sat resting next to the one that remained. The cave's cold voice whispered again:

"Seven," it said, "I don't know how to help you other than be completely honest about what I've been doing, during your time here."

The corner of Seven's mouth twitched as he sat otherwise motionless, listening.

"What I mean to say is," continued the cave, "All the pasta you've been eating... has been poisoned."

Seven still did not move, except for his twitch.

"I'm sorry, Seven," said the cave, it's monotone faltering for just a second, "You have to understand that everything I did was done under the best intentions. In that bowl, is the last piece of poisoned pasta. If you really want to leave here, Seven, then I'm afraid eating that is the only way."

Seven's numb fingers fumbled around the bowl until they came to rest on something soft and welcoming, something he recognised as his only source of happiness since he could remember. He sighed gently and lifted the piece of pasta, resting it against his face. This piece was different. This piece was bigger than the rest, maybe even a meter in size. Seven had no idea how it had fitted in the bowl, but none of that mattered now. This piece, this was his final dance with his squidgy, filling mistress. He breathed in sharply and a small trail of drool fell from his lips. He sat, caressing that piece of pasta and drooling for many years, until one holy day. On that day, he simply reached up with one bony hand, and rested it against his right, sealed and useless eye. He slowly pried his eyelids open to reveal the melted blob of shit that his eye had become. He calmly scooped it out with a finger, and began to roll the piece of pasta up into a ball.

The cave was sobbing uncontrollably;
"This isn't what I meant, Seven." It said, "This isn't what I wanted."
The cave looked at what Seven had become. A shaking, bald and toothless, blind mess that couldn't even eat pasta any more.
"You ungrateful little fucker," the cave hissed, "I should never have believed in you."

Seven could not even hear the cave now, all the sound he heard was the dull throbbing of the pasta ball in his hand, and the screeching pile of hair and teeth in the corner. He slowly positioned the pasta in front of his empty eye socket and inserted it. Each millimetre it moved sent shudders and spasms through his body, he was screaming now, he knew that much, but he couldn't hear it. He could feel thousands of colours and animals swirling around him as his arm fell down to his side and he slumped back into a crumpled pile on the ground. Foam was pouring from his mouth, a thing he could simply not tolerate, even at this the most amazing of times. He scrambled around with an arm on the ground, still spasming. He eventually found the one tooth that he had never added to his pile. He grasped it firmly in his hand and began to run it across his rapidly swelling belly. After a few runs it cut, and tore open, spilling hundreds and hundreds of tiny numbers onto the ground. Each one was a shining, perfectly formed Seven. His remaining eye peeled open and stared in glee at these things vomiting forth from his stomach. His spasms grew more violent and he knew his time was almost done.

"Now," said the cave, "I'm glad we came to an agreement."

The tiny sevens were running madly around the cave floor, desperately trying to find an exit. Formerly Hairy Seven's smile disappeared as he realised what was going to happen. The tiny sevens made their way to his hair and teeth pile, rolling around in it and screeching with joy.

"I see." sad Seven, "they are in fact not my children, but yours, Cave."

The cave echoed a deep and terrible chuckle, as Seven lay gasping his last breaths. His eye slid shut, and his spasms began to calm. In his mind he was dreaming things that he'd never seen. As the tiny sevens moved on him, and began to devour his body, he was not even aware of it. He was in another place, racing through dreams and yet they felt as though they were passing at the speed of reality. He was young, clean and well formed, a shining blue seven. He had it all going for him, soon to be the youngest number actor on Sesame street. He had a loving family of wolves that cared for his every need. Then he was older, a man, and he had his own family. A whole family of sevens, all perfect and all so happy. Then he was older still, and yet he remained a fine figure of a seven. He was sat with his children, themselves now adult sevens with their own careers. He dreamed like this for just a minute, but to Seven it felt like years, longer even than he'd been trapped in the cave.

"The only thing," Seven gasped, through bloodied lips, "that I regret... Is that I never got your name,
Cave."

The cave laughed again, this time a higher pitch though.
"My name? You can call me, Vernon."

And with that, Seven drew his final gasp, and died.